It’s been many nights and mornings filled with exhaustion, confusion, not knowing what (or how!) to think.
But, never in my life have I had so many good moments and ”eureka” experiences. Fall down seven times, stand up eight.
This year was the first time I began the process of trusting myself, finding myself in a place where I can honestly say ”whatever happens, I will figure it out”.
In the beginning of the year, I fell in love, for what I think was the first time ever. He was the first one I took home to visit my family. It’s dangerous to place one’s own happiness into someone else’s arms.
As the fall came, everything fell to pieces. And I fell. There was no closure, I was in the dark, any motivation or enthusiasm towards basically anything disappeared slowly, I felt tired and drained around the clock, pointless.
And so I stopped taking care of what was left of myself. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t eat. I often didn’t bother to get out of bed at all. My clothes got dirty, the dishes piled up. Not to mention the schoolwork.
But as weeks turned to months, I began slowly taking steps back to life. I couldn’t let the university go out the window, so I forced myself to keep the studies on track. Just manually getting up in the morning, going to the library, getting things done. I was incredibly disappointed in just about everything.
”Two steps forward, one step back”. Months went on, and I discovered that I had gotten strong. Still, every other day, I found myself crying from an occasional fitting room. It wasn’t just because of the break-up; I was angry at myself. Angry for letting myself fall so far I didn’t seem to know how to get up. My bulimia was acting.
Then came the panic attacks at school. Again followed by the feeling of being different, somehow disabled, when not being capable to pull off a routine thing.
But in the end, I got myself into balance.
This year I’ve taken huge steps towards where I want to be.
For years have I talked about taking up blogging again, which I did.
I have met great people.
I’ve become closer with my family and relatives than I’ve ever been.
I’ve learned to love myself again. Learned how to take care of myself. How to appreciate myself and how to say no when no needs to be said. How to better accept the negative feelings and disappointments and feel through them instead of pushing everything aside.
I enjoy the small things. That life is a perfect imbalance.